Editor’s Note: We asked Katie to write an article on cool, useful products you can buy your kid before they go back to school. Clearly she did not understand this very simple assignment, as many of these products are not appropriate for your child’s scholastic needs. The descriptions are wild misinterpretations and falsehoods. Do not listen to any of the terrible advice laid out in this article. For actually useful back-to-school items, check out Amazon’s sale.
It’s that time of year again! Your child’s brief illusion of summertime freedom is being crushed under the unstoppable force that is SCHOOL. Hooray! Granted, I’m not a parent (except to my dog and collection of Precious Moments figurines), but I feel very confident in giving real parents smug advice about how to turn their sweet children into future CEOs. And that means getting your child the best products to bring to school, so that the other children will wonder why their parents didn’t love them enough. So make sure your child doesn’t leave for the school bus without …
A Cool Pencil Sharpener To Teach Children About Cat Anatomy
“Where do cats poop from?” is the age-old question children ask and parents struggle to answer. Let this pencil sharpener do the job for you, with its cool demonstration of where a cat’s butthole is and what happens when you put a pencil in it. A cat’s anus, as we all know, contains rows and rows of sharp teeth which spin at high speeds to sharpen any inserted object to a point. Not only is this a cool cat anatomy fact, but it’s also an important lesson in teaching your child not to touch a cat’s butthole, lest their finger get shredded by the anus dentata. Do remember to instruct your child not to place pencils around or in a cat’s butt, as this will likely agitate the cat and cause it to scratch.
50 Toy Squeakers
The best way for your child to succeed in school is to be noticed by teachers. And what better way to gain attention than 50 toy squeakers being simultaneously squeaked? Even if one gets confiscated, there are 49 more to go. And if the teacher tries to pull the old “Did you bring enough for the rest of the class?” card, your kid can say, “Why yes, in fact I did!” The teacher will now be honor-bound to distribute 50 squeakers to the entire class. Imagine how much fun the children will have with all their squeakers, squeaking them over and over and over again! And think of the dialogue this will open with the teacher, who will quietly offer to give your children an A if you please stop supplying them with squeakers, because the tremors and ear bleeds are starting to make their job difficult.
Counterfeit Money To Bribe Bullies
School teaches children critical lessons, like “My chair is not a toilet” or “Becky’s braids are attached to her scalp” or “The only law to the Universe is that of power. The mighty conquer the weak, and the wealthy can control the mighty.” So give your kid a head start in learning how the world operates with this fake money to bribe bullies. Not only will your children avoid purple nurples, but they’ll rule the playground by paying muscle to carry out their whims. Counterfeit Benjamin Franklin’s off-model raised eyebrow may seem to pass judgment, but ignore him. He’s dead, and now his face gets jammed up nostrils to vacuum cocaine, so what does he know? And don’t worry about the children being able to spot fake money. Yes, it says “FAKE” in large lettering all across the front, but we have a literacy problem in this country. Use that to your child’s advantage.
A Fashionable Demon Skin Suit
While other parents are busy shopping for jorts, get ahead of the fashion trends and buy this Demon Skin Suit Kids Costume. Made out of breathable Lycra, this charming ensemble comes with finger extensions and a black hood. The seller writes, “Also includes a fade eye mechanism glasses fram [sic] t-” which cuts off abruptly, probably after they’ve been decapitated by the vengeful spirits of skinned demons. But that’s of no concern to you the consumer. “It feels really comfortable,” writes one reviewer. “So comfortable, as if it’s my own skin. It won’t come off. It is me now. I am become Xleghich. I hunger.” Hunger for learning, that is!
A Handmade Googly Eyed Necronomicon Journal
Instead of buying your child mass-produced garbage, how about this one-of-a-kind journal made out of teeth and googly eyes? Taking notes won’t feel so lonely when your journal is staring lifelessly up at you, lower teeth jutting out from folds of hectic fabric skin. And if you think this photo is just too good to be true, rest assured that every angle of this journal is absolutely …
… charming …
… and folksy. WARNING: Instruct your child to keep their fingers away from the journal’s mouth. It is fully functional, and even a single drop of blood will give it enough power to start moving of its own accord.
A John Cena Lunchbox
A John Cena Backpack
Note: Remember to instruct your child not to place pencils around or in John Cena’s butt, as this will likely agitate the Cena and cause it to scratch.
Katie has a Twitter, which she uses to talk about her many Precious Moments figurine children.